Ode to a Squeeze It

How I miss thee,
Dearest Squeeze-It.
The crazy faces that you had.

How I miss thee,
Juice of wonder,
the greatest refreshment fad?

Your flavors running wild,
amix the plentiful sweet.

Your crazy bottled figure
of which you cannot beat.

Juice boxes are so boring.
Your absence is so sad.

Cherry, Lime, and Blue...
Your flavors remain rad.

There's a Canyon in Thurston County!

So today, I was driving to work, and approached a yield to turn green light. Coming in the opposite direction was another car, and they of course, had a regular old green light because they were going straight. So I yielded...go figure. And they slammed on their breaks (seeing my turn signal) and waved me through. I thought...wait, I am supposed to yield dummy. And they kept waving me through. The car behind them began to honk, and it turned into such an ordeal. I quickly thought this was a bit bizarre because I'm in Wasington...not Idaho anymore. Then, no joke and no surprise, I glanced down at the license plate out of habit. Much to my heart's pleasure, it was a 2C license plate from Idaho! They have followed me!

Is Vinny an Idol?

Months ago, we were all under the impression that Vinny, Calvin Nicholas Arthur Mann, left for graduate school in Scotland. Up until a few weeks ago, I had never questioned this. But now...now that I've seen a few episodes of the hit show, American Idol I've discovered that this is most likely not true. Vinny is posing as Scott McInteyer. You be the judge.


Scott or Vinny?


Scott or Vinny?

You be the judge.

Looks Do Matter!

I have come to terms with the fact that I truly am treated differently based on what I'm wearing. It's unfortunate, but when I'm in my Abercrombie (work) clothes, people ask me the most ridiculous questions. Here are some of the comments.


"Hey, you a Duke man?"
"How often do you go tanning?"
"Didn't I see you on the treadmill yesterday?"
"Do you get to like, date every girl that works here?"
"Should I tuck the front part of this shirt in?"
"Will you come to Victoria's Secret with me?"
"Do you think T.I. is innocent?"

But when I'm in my normal get up...what I choose to wear when I'm not at work, the questions are totally different. They're more like:


"What'd you think of the new Andrew Bird album?"
"Don't you hate it when people buy albums only on iTunes?"
"Want some of my homemade granola?"
"Should I get a vegan tattoo?"
"Got a lighter?"
"How do you feel about Neitzsche?"

These are all things that I've been asked by complete strangers. Not people that I know...just random walk-by strangers. It's so bizarre to me that my clothes cause me to live such a double life. I mean...what's a vegan tattoo anyway?

Eat at Mo's

I'm not entirely sure why, but it always baffles me why somethings have lasting power, whereas others can't seem to withstand long at all. For instance, how is it that Lil' Wayne is still heard on every radio station...that man is nasty. Or why is it that after all of the ludacris happenings with Britney and KFed, Britney still manages to go on a sold-out tour and be heard everyday? My stock lead, Alyssa bought a birthday dress, which is kind of ridiculous to me in principle anyway, and it is zebra print with black sequence around the waist and the neck. Why is it that zebra print is lingering in fashion?

When I was a kid, my family and I use to vacation on the Oregon Coast every summer. There's this place called Mo's that has the most amazing clam chowder. Many of the waiters wear these t-shirts with a big shark's mouth on the back and in the frame of the jaw it says, "Bite me". What happened to this slang? I remember it being said all the time, whether it was my friend Brenda slightly upset but not willing to let others know so, or it was Urkel mad that Laura wouldn't go to the dance with him, or Kimmi Gibbler using it as an exit line..."Bite me blondie."

Or what about Freddie Prinze, Jr. Wasn't he a teenage hearthrob? Where'd he go? Could he not make the jump from child star to full-pledged movie star? The last time we saw him was on the Scooby Doo remakes, but let's be honest, we wish those movies weren't made to begin with. But where has this She's All That star fleeted to? It seems to me that if Sean William Scott can continue to get roles, Freddie surely should. Perhaps Freddie is hangin' out with Topher Grace somewhere...kickin' back and gabbin' about American Idol...they've both been MIA for quite sometime.

The last two things that seem absurd to me, but have without a doubt been out of commission for awhile are primetime sitcoms and children's books' stars. Sure we have television dramas...and I enjoy them from time to time.
But what happened to the humor of America? There are no sitcoms anymore! The ones we do have aren't funny, and are made for a very narrow audience. Where have they gone? Where are Friends? Where is Seinfeld? Have they been swallowed by what was once called Reality TV and is now simply just...TV?


And let us not forget about Harry Potter and Edward Cullen. Of course there are still children's book characters. But I miss characters like the Hardy Boys, or the Box Car Children, or best of all, Clifford the big red dog! Where are they?

Now, don't misunderstand me...all of these things that have gone missing are not necessarily things that I think we need. But c'mon...how does JC Chavez have more lasting power than Clifford? It just doesn't make sense.

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

Marc, Kyle, Stephanie and I traveled down to Winco last night to pick up some groceries. It reminded me of the days in college where a few people would all mob to Walmart and there we would find so many treasures. And by treasures I mean mullets, unibrows, and such. There were always an extremely eclectic group of people at the particular Walmart we would frequent. In fact, I'm sure we were gawked at for some of the crazy clothes and hair-dos we wore. And last night, many treasures surfaced as well. I was reminded of the early 90s. Remember when there was a slew of girls that would walk around with short shorts, perhaps jean cut-offs or plaid...with a long t-shirt? In my head, I tend to remember big, baggy t-shirts with tigger or dopey on them. But this gave the illusion that the individual was not wearing shorts. It looked like just a long shirt. How odd. Why would this style be? I suppose that coullots, skorts, and the wave-do were also style conundrums. Nonetheless...if you want to see the surfacing of any of these styles...go to Winco on Front Street. It's a treat.

Did they run out of fabric?

As many of my friends have moved on and gotten married, it has been inevitable that some of them have started having kids. At first it seemed incredibly daunting, but I'm over it. I think. Anyway, because of the sudden upswing in children...I have found myself in the infant/toddler sections of stores from time to time. I discovered that there are many clothes that have the "layered look" for kids. This is obviously just a look. It is a hastle to put on actual layers, so they simply sew the clothing to look like it is layered. This totally makes sense...for toddlers.

I went to Karcher Mall with Jeremy a week or so ago...and I was persuaded into venturing into Burlington Coat Factory (we're more than just coats). Here I found loads of clothing, most of which was made for the Big and Tall shoppers. But I also found shirts with the "layered look" for adults. This I don't understand. Did they simply run out of fabric and decide that it would be too hard to put on two shirts? Or did the "designer" decide that this piece would be for the thrifty shopper that is too cheap to buy two shirts? Hmmm...I wonder.

Greased Lightning

I have a conundrum that I sincerely wonder if anyone knows the answer. Why is it that when we have dry skin we put on lotion? And many times this lotion, like Body Butter from the Body Shop is fairly greasy. This doesn't seem consistent. Let me explain. Have you ever been sitting next to someone in an airplane, or on the bus and looked over only to find that there is a large pile of coconut shavings on their shoulder. Well, let me clue you in...its not coconut. Its not snow either. In fact...it is dry skin, better known as dandruff. If you let your eyes, inconspicuously of course, wander from their shoulders to their hair...you'll most definitely find a greasy coif. Now...why is this? If their hair is greasy, why is there dry skin flaky off for us all to inhale? What is it that gets rid of dandruff? I mean, sure we all remember the Head and Shoulders commercials. I thought that Head and Shoulders must kind of be like hair lotion. But this doesn't make sense...if you're hair is greasy, you'd think that we wouldn't have a problem with dry skin. But its just the opposite. Dry scalp equals greasy. How baffling. Why is this?

Again and Again

Have you ever wondered why it is that you bite the side of your mouth or your tongue? It's not like you just all of a sudden forget how to chew. And at the same time, it's not as if the side of your mouth decided to jump in between your teeth either. How is it...and why is it that this happens? The worst part is that after you bite it once...you keep on biting it. How miserable! The passed couple days, I have continually been biting the right side of my mouth. It feels like what a fried egg looks like. Don't misunderstand me...it doesn't feel like a fried egg is in my mouth...it feels like what a fried egg looks like. Ugh...I hate eggs.

The Dandelion of the Computer World

Right now we're obviously in this economic slump. But despite the financial straps people have had to put on their budgets a few things remain as necessities. First, people still need food. Granted, even though food prices are going up and the rate at which people are eating out may have declined (not for me unfortunately), people still need food. The big fuss that everyone seems to be talking about is the price of gas. Here in the Treasure Valley, we don't have a lot of options because public transportation is so poor. But the two inevitable things that you know will be brought up in that conversation with your distant relatives are the weather and the price of gas. The last necessity that seems to be surviving this economic crunch is Cartridge World. I don't know how this franchise has survived. They're everywhere! In fact, there are probably more of them than there are McDonald's. I have a lot of trouble understanding the business plan of Cartridge World. So your printer runs out of ink, and you need new stuff; do you automatically think..."I need to go to Cartridge World?" I for one generally think Wal-mart...or something of the like. But evidentally people have and continue to support this business. Its a baffling success. Why do people continue to buy cartridges for their computers? Perhaps I'm just out of the loop and there is a world of cartridges waiting for me to discover them...

The Home-boy Stance

Perhaps I will be ridiculed for this...and perhaps no one else has ever noticed this. But Giordi, if you read this, you know I'm right. There is a particular stance that I have begun to label as the "home boy or home girl" stance. In other words, homeschooled stance. Granted, there are other people that execute this stance that are simply shy or socially awkward, but I tend to find that most of these individuals are indeed home boys and girls. If you would like to attempt this stature, please do the following:

1. Stand with feet one to three inches apart.
2. Bend your right knee slightly in towards your other knee.
3. As you do so, drop your left arm to your side...let it dangle.
4. Then take your right hand and grab your left elbow/forearem behind your back.

Congratulations! You have done it! Now, I don't exactly know why this is the case...but it is. Watch for it. You see people of all ages executing this particular stance. Happy watching.

Call me barbaric or chauvinistic...but I prefer meat-eater!

Perhaps it has something to do with my upbringing in good ole eastern Washington, but I really love steak. I realized that I crave steak so often. As cliché or redneck as it may sound, I really could eat steak every night. Growing up, we always had a full freezer of meat. Whether it was pheasant, fish, beef, chicken, or venison, there seemed to be an endless supply. Hunting was a must-do in the town of Pomeroy, and all-in-all, I took for granted what assurance hunting brought to my appetite.

Since then, I have moved away from my beloved Washington, and settled in a mid-sized city. Now don’t get me wrong, Idaho is still very much a “huntin’ state”, but I think I may live in the one area of the entire state that is anti-killing. You take Weiser, Idaho and they’re going to have you over for dinner with a big, ole wild turkey as the main course. You brave the hospitality of Fruitland, Idaho and you’re going to see three barefoot kids running down the highway with a dead raccoon and rattlesnake in hand, being chased by their moo-moo, wearin’ ma. But you travel to Hyde Park and all you see are “COEXIST” stickers and “Vote for Clinton” paraphernalia.

Needless to say, even though I may have a freezer full of livestock (or as Stephanie likes to call it, “flesh”), our neighbors might look down on us if they knew the abundance of frozen life we have in our kitchen. But regardless of the imagined opposition of our neighbors, steak is amazing! Its good right off the grill or next-day-cold; I can always eat it. But when there is a shortage of steak I have discovered a more than adequate replacement. Jerky is always a good road trip, take-with-you steak replacement. However, jerky’s cousin, the beef nugget is so much more flavorful and far less credited. The name “beef nugget” may scare you…as it did me, but you must get over the fear of the nugget, because the only thing more wonderful is actual steak. Embrace your inner caveman…when you can’t get a smoked turkey leg from the fair…walk down to your local Stinker Station and grab yourself a pack of nuggets.

Who wants a round thing in their face...just to get sprung?

In the passed few years, we've seen songs such as No Scrubs turn into No Pigeons; and "Umb-er-ella" transform into the lyrical genius of "Cin-der-ella". These are all dismal attempts if you ask me. But in all seriousness, it seems as though we are much more likely to change a song produced/written/performed by a girl into a chauvinistic melody than we are the other way around. Perhaps this is because most songs written about girls are somewhat degrading...but with the rise in "girl power" music, why has it not been covered? Why is it that we haven't ever taken a song like "Baby Got Back" by Sir-Mix-a-Lot and turned it into something about women liking "big boys". I'll tell you why, because women don't. I've yet to meet a woman who is genuinely attracted to a man with a "juicy double". Let's be honest...there are those guys that have "Baby Got Back" as their anthem by blasting it as their ringtone. As for women...they don't want big buns...sorry Pillsbury, but you're out of luck.

out of TOUCH and drenched in SMELL

Perhaps this is the first sign that I am at the starting line of being out of touch with teenagers. I remember five years ago when I was an assistant manager at Abercrombie and Fitch and I thought that my dad was so out of touch because he consistently called it Abercrombie and Finch. And now today, five years later, I find myself questioning a couple different things about this "clothing" company. First of all, I got summoned to testify when many different law suits were taking place regarding the physical appearance of the employees versus those who did not get hired. And in all actuality, every retail place I have worked for asks that the employees look the part. It's kind of like that old saying, "Never trust a skinny chef."

But secondly, is the younger generation all of sudden unable to smell? If you walk by the Abercrombie or Hollister stores in the mall, you smell like them just walking by their entrances. Its not really luring, but I suppose it does help directionally. It's not just the stores themselves, but the frequent shoppers as well. There are times when you walk by that guy with his popped collar hand-in-hand with his girlfriend and destroyed denim mini-skirt...and the smell radiating from their pores pollutes the air for an entire block. Do you put one squirt of the overly-expensive, generally not long lasting fragrance and decide that's enough? Then the next day you don't smell it anymore so you put on three squirts...then four...then five. In a couple months you'll be puttin' on full bottles of the dang stuff. And when this happens, we get that couple walking around, oblivious to all of the flowers they're killing with their odor as they pass them.

Let's be honest...forget worrying about the sexually suggestive advertising they're causing American teens to accustom to--what about the physical downfall of smell they're marketing to young people. There are many other things to disagree with when it comes to this company (i.e. the "models" baring close to everything welcoming you at the front of the store). All I have to say is protest all you want...but I'm pretty sure my sense of smell is on top of my priority list of protecting.

It takes two to tango, but I'd settle for too many cooks...

I could be completely wrong here, but it seems to me that most everyone I've ever talked to about this subject agress...if there are only two people dining together...sit across from each other. And yet, it seems like I can't go out to eat without seeing a couple hip-to-hip. Number one, this makes for conversing with each other to be an awkward task. You have your food in front of you, but you want to turn and talk to the person next to you. I think that you sit next to each other when little conversing is expected (i.e. rollercoaster, movie theatre). The only time that you sit next to each other and are still supposed to talk is in the car. Two rules of social dating and pda...don't sit on the same side of the table and don't walk one in front of the other with hands intertwined (aka junior high walk)...it just makes everyone uncomfortable.

But aside from those that intentionally sit in this socially taboo position, how about the people that don't want to do so? For instance, Kyle, Cortney, and I were all dining at the Macaroni Grill last weekend. I got up to go the bathroom and when I came back...there they were, snuggled up next to each other on one side of the booth. It was quite comical to me because there were no intentions, and yet anyone that walked by them during that period of time judged them deeply for sitting as they did. All in all, I think its hilarious. I was literally laughing out loud when I returned to the table. I think I might purposefully try and desert people in this position whenever I see the chance.

I enjoy making people feel awkward, and if you are intentionally breaking the two rules of pda to make others feel awkward...then break away like a gym teacher's swishy pants.

The Line of Pressure

You know, you go to a restaurant and you get the bill. You think, "hmmm...what should I tip them?" But you go and get fast food or something quick, and you run that credit card...then you get the slip back with that dreaded tip line. There is so much pressure as you sign. First of all, they're looking over your shoulder. Secondly, you feel like you should probably put a total so that they don't charge you for a tip when you didn't put one down. Doesn't it feel like insult to injury when you write down that total definitively saying, "I don't want to tip"? Basically, I never know what to do...so I usually give in and tip a dollar just so that I don't feel so bad about it. Yes, I'm the sucker that gives into the pressure. And now I have no money.

Bratty Bratz

My younger sister and I used to fight constantly. When we were little, we would simply pick fights with each other. Its strange how often siblings do this. I remember getting into verbal fights, bantering back and forth, for quite awhile...and for some reason frequently in the car. Life is not like Full House despite what many people might think. In fact, its as far from that as possible. If I have to hear another "Sorry Deej" from Stephanie I might hurl. I'm pretty sure that parents make their kids watch these shows with hope that their kids will mimick this lifestyle...but of course that doesn't happen, kids just mimic video games and other violence.

For me, it was an ultimate satisfaction to call my sister the dreaded "b" word...BRAT! She would give me a great gift of appaulled reaction...and I knew that this was the key to winning the fight. Doesn't it seem weird that little kids are now calling each other names that we never would have dreamnt of voicing, especially in the presence of our family. But nonetheless, kids today shout a completely different "b" word towards each other, siblings, and maybe even authorities (i.e. teachers, parents, etc.). What has happened? Is there going to be a new "s" word...

What a start to the day...

Have you ever woken up, gone to get your coffee, and had it be terrible?!? In the back of my mind I hear that song,

"Everyone makes mistakes so why can't you..."

But all I want to say is..."No! Don't make a mistake on my coffee." It's the first thing that I have in the morning, and without wanting to, the way that my coffee experience goes in the morning really does affect the rest of my day. And this morning, I tried this coffee place in Sellwood, OR...and I must say...not good. Its lukewarm, watery, no flavor, and has chunks of ginger root in it...literal chunks. They kinda made good foam, but other than that, bad experience. Hopefully, I can overcome it, and have a good day. But first things first, I better go and get a good cup of coffee.

The Feeding

I understand...sometimes a kids gotta eat when a kids gotta eat. However, who decided that floppin' one out and breast feeding in public is aight? I mean, doesn't it seem a little strange to you? I understand that there's purpose and reason, but at the same time, I really don't care to see it. We obsess over our strong dislikes of pda all the time. Using deduction, this can only be concluded that we don't mind seeing the act of certain things, but its the REASON or lack thereof. Evidentally we're okay with a little kid feeding on his/her mother's bosom, but not with two legitimate people showing affection through physicality. Perhaps this is much like how it's permittable to take your child, of the opposite sex, into a public bathroom as long as they're not "too" old. However old "too" old is. Let's just be happy that little kids aren't like Family Guy's Stewie.

Wrastlin'...

I proudly plead ignorance on this topic...but why is it that girls want to wrestle? Being a basketball player, I never have given much thought to the subject. But then the other night, a bunch of us were hanging out and the topic surfaced. Eeyore gave an invigorating argument for the discussion of basketball vs. wrestling (or wrastlin'). One point that he made was girl wrestlers. As far as I can tell, girl wrestler's are messed. I mean, they are one of two things...either they want to go roll around with nearly exposed dudes (if so, that seems like they're a little too excited about the chance...and really, if this is their chance to do so, they MUST be messed) or they don't see any sort of arousal in it...and are just in for the sport (which means their names are probably Helga or Charlie...aka men). All in all, girl wrestlers are messed. However, wrestling stat girls...they're a completely different breed. Guys that go out to meet their opponent would much rather see the cute girl taking his stats down, then march up to the girl that exposed her weight the same as your own. Sorry girls...but if you want to get the guy...wrestling as a sport isn't the way to do it. Take Chyna for instance, she is a ridiculous example of steroidial overdose thus concluding her to be frigid. Sad I know. If we really dig deep, I know this exposes some prejudices and sexism, but in all actuality, I just don't get it.